* This essay column is written by a longtime foreign resident of Japan.

Hello, hello, hello how are you?

I'm fine, I'm fine, I hope that you are too.

"Good morning everybody. My name is Robert and I will be your English teacher today.

"The doors are closed and we'll be under way shortly, so why not sit back, relax and enjoy the lesson. If this is all a little too much for your stomach, don't forget that the sick bags are in the back of the seat in front of you.

"Today we'll start with 'Simon Says.'

"Simon says stand up. Simon says sit down. Simon says touch your nose. Simon says point at the gaijin. Don't say gaijin desu. Ah, caught you!"

Is this really how Japanese children are taught to speak English? I intend to do some in-depth research as I'm trying to help my 10-year-old son become fluent in English. One morning on my crowded commuter train I intend to shout "Simon says stand up" to see how many people have a reflex reaction and jump to their feet as a painful childhood memory stirs them from their slumbers and into action. If nothing else, I might be able to get a seat.

I have no teaching experience so my house is full of every textbook, aide and prop I could beg, borrow, buy or steal that I thought would assist me in transforming Tom into a bilingual boy.

My experience of learning a language is of little help. I studied Latin for three years and French for seven years at grammar school. I'd rather not make public my efforts to learn Japanese. All I remember from the Latin lessons is sitting for hour after hour with 30 other confused 12- year-olds declining by rote Latin verbs - amo, amas, amavi, amatum (please don't write to tell me if that's incorrect because it would only confirm how useless learning by rote is).

More French stuck but that's probably because I was actually able to travel to France and listen to people speaking the language. Apart from the local Catholic church, where else could I go to hear Latin spoken?

The problems I had with Tom were deciding at what level of English to start him on and how to get a 10-year- old to concentrate on something that doesn't have GameBoy in the title.

Tom speaks some English, a mind-numbing combination of Japanese and English that would intrigue Noam Chomsky, and is fluent in Japanese. He also understands a lot of English - much to my embarrassment sometimes. So taking my cue from The Sound of Music to start at the very beginning I began by trying him with some textbooks I bought in England for English pre-schoolers. But his reaction to the first lesson's first question (Name any country where English is spoken.) was not very promising. When I read the second question (Do you know any English words?) I could understand his confusion. If you don't know any English words, how could you understand the first question and name any country where English is spoken? So I went scurrying for a book I bought here, which also went some way to solving the second problem because it came with CDs of dialogue, games and songs. If only there was a Nintendo English-language lesson.

But we're making progress - me as a teacher and Tom with his English - and the lessons are developing and becoming more structured instead of make-it-up-as-you-go sessions more memorable for their embarrassing silences than their educational value.

We usually start with flash cards of the alphabet, words or pictures of things that Tom must name. We then go on to the textbook and it's CD and we always finish with me reading Tom a story in English. And we always try never to forget the "ears, the mouth, the nose. Heads and shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes."

Robert says that's enough for this week.

If you have any comments please e-mail me
at jtweekly@japantimes.co.jp .

The Japan Times Weekly: March 22, 2003
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