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Saturday, Dec. 26, 2009


Be wild in the Year of the Tigress

The Year of the Tiger won't be as black and white as 2009, the Year of the Cow. But with the Tiger leading, it may be a year that promises more golf, sex and misadventure, which you have to admit, is something.

Although Japan often laments the decline in population that has resulted from (among other things) more females in the workforce and people marrying later in life, I've often thought Japan's declining population was due to something much more basic.

Japan continues to rank near the bottom when it comes to sexual activity between married couples. In addition, "sexless marriages" can only mean a decline in population. Japan is just not a romantic country.

If Japan needs a role model for this year, perhaps it should be Try-ger Woods.

After all, tigers in all forms are extremely popular. And marketable. Take the 2010 Tora Kitty Collection for example. Yep, even Hello Kitties trying to profit from the tiger's image. And tigers are also lucky, as the Hanshin Tigers have proven.

With Japan's declining population, it's no wonder tigers are now an endangered species. Fewer people means fewer people born in Tiger years. Such people are said to be courageous, intelligent and successful in life. Fewer tigers means fewer leaders, competitors and self-reliant people. And fewer writers, artists, musicians and comedians, all things at which tigers excel.

Since tigers do not find worth in power or money, we should be able to expect a more laid back existence here in Japan. But tigers are unpredictable too, so with fewer tigers we'll have a more predictable, and perhaps boring, society.

So our goal should be to get tigers off the endangered species list. One way to do that is to have more babies — you know, more cubs. It's not too late Japan! You have just three months yet to put a tiger on the planet yet this year. C'mon — save the species!

Here are some tips on repopulation, from the tigers themselves:

1. Frolic

Tigers are playful. Playing is a natural way to attract a mate. Think of Marilyn Monroe, a bit of a sex kitten. She was born in the year of the tiger (1926). So was Tom Cruise (1962). So c'mon Japan, get sexy!

2. Tap into the power of stripes

If you're wearing normal clothes, you're camouflaging yourself too much. What you need is something more like reverse-camouflage — something that stands out. In a new coat of tiger stripes, you're bound to look like an irresistible pussy cat. Or a rug. Either could be beneficial.

Cosplay up with some stripes. If Hello Kitty can do it, so can you.

Take it from the United States, the country of the "stars and stripes." In the U.S., a population not in decline, the most passionate time of year is during the Christmas and New Year's holidays. Activity during this time accounts for a peak in births in September.

The transport ministry could also help create urgency by replacing those zebra crossings with tiger stripe crossings. At busy intersections with heavy pedestrian traffic, tiger crossings would encourage people to pick up the pace a bit and run across the streets to get home.

3. Go for multiple births

Tigers have three to four cubs at a time, so get on some hormone therapy! Multiple births are the quickest way to a population increase.

4. Support more time off

Some companies have considered giving employees more time off in hopes of promoting a more stress-free lifestyle conducive to producing and raising children. However, there have not been overwhelming roars of support for this.

5. Become a tigress

If you're a female, it's also the Year of the Tigress. It's your chance to hunt down a partner and experience the good life. Go wild!

If all else fails, take up golf, especially if you're a bit green. Golf is probably the sexiest sport around. With foursomes, multiple strokes and fore plays, you're bound to hit a hole in one at some point.

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