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Saturday, Dec. 25, 2004
Last-minute gifts for discerning foreigners
By AMY CHAVEZ
Merry Christmas! If you are one of those people who waits till the last nano-second to do your Christmas shopping, don't worry. You've still got till midnight tonight to get a Christmas present for that special gaijin you forgot about.
Santa-san, equipped with the latest technology, has opened a special e-mail order catalog just for this purpose. Here are some of the products his elves have prepared.
Santa-san's Gaijin Catalog (all products available for immediate delivery by e-mail in zipped, downloadable form).
1. Whole Loaf Toaster -- Tired of waiting for each slice of bread to toast? Now we offer the special Whole Loaf Toaster, which toasts the entire loaf all at once! We've altered the design of the regular toaster, with crow bars, to widen the slots to fit that jawbreakingly large size of Japanese bread slices.
Then we added a few more slots so that the whole family can eat toast together now, rather than in shifts.
What? Don't have a family? No worries. Take the Whole Loaf Toaster to the office and use it in place of a document shredder.
2. Extra Soles -- Never put on another pair of too small, suffocating, disease-infested slippers again!
Our array of extra shoe soles allows you to simply change soles when you go in and out of Japanese buildings so you don't have to go through the Great Shoe Change every time.
Parade around the most delicate tatami mat rooms in your cowboy boots with sock soles, or clunk around the house in geta with slipper soles.
Now you can take your expensive Salvatore Ferragamo shoes with you anywhere, even into the bathroom by using our special toilet slipper soles.
Just tell us your shoe size and we'll send you a sole for every occasion. And best of all, no mo re slipper gait!
3. De-Eyeballer -- This handy portable machine, works like a cotton gin, and sorts out the eyes from the small fish and other marine creatures served on your dinner plate.
Just place the De-Eyeballer on the table, and feed the fish -- or whatever -- into it and presto! The eyes will be sorted into their own small dish. After all, fish eyes are much more spectacular served as a side dish.
4. Beer Glass Stretcher -- Tired of being served beer in tiny glasses? Yearning for that beer stein or beer mug from home? Dying for a pitcher?
The Beer Glass Stretcher can stretch your beer glass into a variety of shapes. Simply adjust the setting on the machine to either pint, stein or pitcher and it will stretch the glass automatically to those dimensions.
Get the deluxe version of the Beer Glass Stretcher equipped with a temperature controller that will frost the glass for you in just one zap!
5. Bad English Deflector -- For the English teacher who has everything! This device, when clipped on to your lapel, works much like the grammar checker in your word processing program but in audio form. But while a grammar checker gives suggestions for correcting grammar, the Deflector makes the decisions itself.
Working faster than the speed of sound, the Deflector is able to capture the grammar and modify it, before it reaches your ears. It does this through substitution, by simply replacing any unrecognizable English grammar with a cow moo.
All products sent in PC compatible, downloadable format. Just download the file on to your computer, then send to your printer, which will print out a 3-dimensional product, usable immediately.
Choose the color of the product yourself before printing, from the "customize your product" dialogue box.
Tip: If you do not choose a color, your products will come out black and white!
Send your order requests to Santa-san@RoppongiHills.com